why is there a 17 year old girl of the emo persuasion crying about her ex girlfriend in my room right now?
why is my roommate and her sycophantic friends crowding around her on the mattresses on the floor, cooing their sympathies and encouragement? why the FUCK are there two mattresses on my livingroom floor/bedroom?
wait.
i don't fucking care.

the past six months or so i've developed an interest in comedy. more like a passion. a deepseated obsession. yeah, i'm obsessed with comedy. every now and then i let it loose and ramble about it and my love for its history, theory, foundation, etc. but mostly i keep it on the DL because i feel...well i feel like a douchebag if people were to think that i think i'm funny enough to do something with it. and honestly i think i am. i dunno about you but i play to an audience a lot. i mean a hypothetical audience. i need to be comfortable a lot of the time to do it and a lot of my friends back home i can't be...but here in SF these people don't really know who i am and these days i'm not shy anymore. and i can't help myself really. it starts out harmless; i'll get a laugh and that'll kickstart me goading the people around me for more laughs. sometimes i bomb, but whatever. i didn't even realize i did it until that six months ago. it then moved on i guess onto watching SNL and 30 rock and chappelle and all sorts of standup. i've researched all of the improv groups (UCB ny and la, second city chicago and toronto, the groundlings, improv olympics) and the forms of improv (long form improv, harolds, etc)....fuck...i'm obsessed. right now i'm looking into joining an improv group. i've found one caled jericho! that erica vaguely knows in berkeley while i also signed up for a free introductory class at the SF comedy college thats conveniently on mason and geary. a free intro class and free consultation. its kind of weird because it says on the website that they highly encourage you to learn as much as possible and then get the fuck out of SF. go. fucking go to LA and NY. which is funny to me because i went to SF to get the hell away from NY. oops. anyway, they have guest speakers at this place all the time. judd apatow, greg giraldo, bob saget, maria bamford. one of the guys who runs the place is a talent agent for the late night show. neat. i'm also looking to ask my dad to sign me up for improv or sketch comedy writing classes at UCB theatre in NYC this summer as a 21st birthday present. that would be amazing. if you pass the classes for a performance session you have to perform in front of a LIVE AUDIENCE. at UCB. oh my god. delightful. i have to. this is my goal.

i'm in san francisco still. loving it. its bizarre to me that i could've ever hated this place but now i realize it was the people i was with rather than the actual place. i'm sleepy...drank a forty and worked on homework while rambling at my roomate about 'rumspringa'.
outside my dorm today on the curb i watched this kid with his friends throw change....not just pennies but every sort of change into a drain. i said "whats good?" and he answered that he was practicing for beer pong. i responded that it was 'retarded' to do so. his friend agreed. the kid who was throwing change replied "i don't need it" and i said "why don't you save it for coffee or something?" and he said "i don't drink coffee and if i did i'd use my card. i use my card for everything". after i stared at him for awhile i said "well even if you do use your card for everything don't assume change is worthless, somebody could use it" and he says "do you need it take it, fine" and gives it to me (which i happily agreed to doing". i took it and looked at him and called him 'retarded' again and 'naive'. he ignored me. probably becase i'm not cool. or a mouthy bitch. or because i was blatantly right. oops.

i'm just filled with this inexplicable, innapropriate amount of anger...and i don't even know why half the time...i don't understand my surroundings, i don't trust them...i certainly don't trust the people around me...i'm constantly lashing out at my loved ones as though they're going to hurt me. i don't understand what i'm feeling or where it's coming from ever anymore and its fucking frustrating as hell because i remember a time when i could identify every emotion i was experiencing and now everything is some strange whirlwind of anger, frustration, bitterness and god who knows what the fuck else. everything is in negatives. i can be distracted for moments i suppose. not from peoples actions or nature though. everybody is guilty until proven innocent in my eyes. haha...while watching there will be blood i could relate to daniel planview quite a bit, it was slightly disturbing. every person i meet, i find something to dislike. its hard not to. people are disgusting terrible ugly creatures. and it makes me sick that i'm one of them and one of the worst. i don't want to be angry. who the fuck would want to be this angry. who would want to drink so they could feel even slightly okay...i don't even feel okay when i drink. i drink until i act the crazy fucking fool. i'm killing myself by the day, but i suspect thats the point by now. no, thats not entirely true. the point switches day to day. somedays i'm filled with this overwhelming bitterness and fury where i NEED to pound back beers or liquor and HOPEFULLY i'll die of alcohol poisoning or wander in front of a car or get stabbed by an asshole crackhead in the tenderloin, etc. somedays i NEED to stay alive and do my schoolwork and artshit and get better mentally and emotionally and physically because there is hope and a future and i do have potential, but god, do i feel embarrassed saying that. i feel like a corny asshole saying that. i don't know why. shouldn't hope be an everyday occurance in my life? shouldn't i not think twice about hope....most people don't conciously think about drinking themselves to death. i don't know how i got this angry. it's easy to blame other people in my life....i mean i could definitely point a finger or two without hesitation but i should take responsibility for the fact i just stew over stupid shit. i hold grudges over nothing. "YOU DID THIS TO ME" plays on repeat when i look at somebody who teased me in middleschool. really, i'm not joking. god thats sad. i remember when i had psychology and psychiatry forced into my life when i was 14, i took it upon myself to look into every detail of my past for clues of what could have created me. at first it had a very positive motive: i'd find the very root of what started every other problem, diagnose it and treat it appropriately. somehow (hah, somehow) it changed into "who fucked me over first, who CAUSED the first problem that set the chain reaction of every other problem that caused the biggest problem of them all: ME" and then i'd...i don't even know what i'd do when i figured out who it was. i mean, anyway, it's almost definitely my mom and there's nothing i can do about that so whatever. i guess we could yell and stuff.
coming back to croton, i don't know, the anger got worse. i think it was set off by fear. everything that i could label as a valid traumatizing moment in my life happened here. everything that made the terrible person inside of me happened here. for a good part of my life i thought i'd never leave and just out day POOF i'm out. and now i'm back and there's this overwhelming fear. and when i'm afraid i'm angry. it's weird because i can feel myself growing more desperate and angry and neurotic and it's silly. nothing bad is going to happen, its just some pavolivian response. but i can't really make myself leave my house at the moment. i'm going to go get some juice.

okay i'm ready to go back to san francisco. like now. for serious.

shit. sigh.

because i've decided to refuse to get yet another retail/food service job that'll kill a little more of my soul, i'm going to do something with my art. i need to practice anyways or else i'll get back to school and be all retarded and incompetent and stuff soooo ummmerrrr....my plan was to advertise shit in craigslist and on flyers around town like at the cow and stuff as a freelance commission illustator/portait artist and i was also thinking of working really hard on a few pieces and asking michael grant if i can put them up in the back at the cow and sell them, while getting publicity for the whole freelance illustrator thing. if the black cow thing doesn't fly coz michael hates me i can be like mary at the library you like me let me put shit up in the auditorium! yeah. i think this might work. maybe. i hope so. meh. i need to learn how to paint. i understand the concept of rendering now and like the whole midtone, shadow, highlight and values thing goin on so i mean its just about getting texture and shit down with brushes and understanding color better because i'd only done basic shitty shading with pens and rendering with charcoal (i hate you charcoal). paint seems like fun. i need to do an AC moore run for some acrylics...yeah. and get some taco bell too....ooohh.

so i'm coming back to croton in a month.
for some reason i'm the only kid i know here who's wicked amped for the semester to be over. its not that i hate san francisco and its not that i'm terribly homesick (though i would like to see people and my kitty), its just that i don't have it in me to care about this school shit for a little while. after the fucking mental breakdown and soul crushing experience that were my midterm projects, i was so emotionally and mentally exhausted i came to after the due date and was like "what the fuck do you mean there's MORE?". during the first month and a half at this school i was making a lot of progress and my teacher was pleased with my work. i feel like now i've just plateaued and i'm watching everyone around me keep moving forward, which is to say the least a bummer. i'm blocked, jammed, bummed out, tired and lazy.

sigh.

anyway.

so i'm coming home in a month. SEE A Y'ALL SUCKERS SOON.

my heart might be broken. i'm not really quite sure. it makes more sense to say my heart is severely confused.

i'm paying my friend to paint a giant cheesey horrible portrait of me. the sort that rich old cougars have hanging above their fireplaces in the mansions they won in divorces. i'm talking about ima have my hair all huge and full of hairspray, ten poundsof makeup on my face, tons of rings on and an 80s party gown. i'm asking olivia to make this giant portrait sort of shitty quality on purpose. i need to have this thing hanging in my dilapidated, terrible dorm room. add a touch of class, you know.
i'm so fucking smart, christ...

people in my dorms are either afraid of me, confused by me, or straight up hate me. it really doesn't matter which it is though because they're all a bunch of bumbling fucktards and i'm better than all of them. i'm glad we cleared that matter up.

i need to buy shoes.

my figure drawing/analysis of form teacher, david choong lee, is in the art magazine juxtapose this month. he's really good and reminds us every chance he gets how good he is and how much we suck. holy shit, david, wow, i had no idea. maybe you should plug all of your clothing products and website and then shittalk kids assignments even more...maybe that will get the point across better because i don't think i'm really getting it quite yet. i mean i really respect the man as an artist...he's really fucking good...he's just a crap teacher.
whatever.

san francisco is better than i remembered it.

and brandons coming to visit me. i am hella stoked to say the least ^_^.

today was horrible. i mean i won't say i don't mean to complain because i definitely do. as i spent my last half hour in croton with kat, going to visit mary, i said "fuck it, i don't even care that i'm leaving anymore, i don't see what the big deal was". now i do. what a fucking fiasco. my mom made a scene at the airport about her back (which incidently only hurts when she's in public...) and i mean i honestly, really appreciate her wanting to send me off but if her back hurt her so bad that she was going to have a fucking fit after she got off the moving sidewalk as i'm bolting for the gate, please, stay home if it hurts so bad. my flight got delayed...whatever, not the end of the world. bad turbulence is terrifying once you remember you haven't flown in four years. 6 hours on a plane actually is worse than sitting in a car for the same amount of time if you think about it. thank you american airlines for losing the majority of my luggage the day before i move into the dorms, i totally loved that touch of extra stress. as i'm driving into the city i tried as hard as i could to convince myself i was still in nyc but the sign that said 'leavenworth', the gigantic hills and the crackhead attacking the taxi really sealed the deal on ruining my fantasy. goddammit. but getting to james' and seeing olivia and taylor was pretty sweet, especially when hey told me about the awesome chick fight they saw in the tenderloin. SF isn't so bad.

so i'm sick...it started in target yesterday with kat but i figured it was all in my head. well now i have a fever and was coughing so hard i vomited across the kitchen. good times, no?

ummm so everybody did one of those reflective posts about the 2007 so i thought what the hell, why not....

2006 was probably one of the worst years of my life...i promised myself that i would make 2007 as rad as possible and i actually think i achieved the goal. i finally got out of croton...yes i did it without really planning and what planning happened was pretty unrealistic but things still somehow worked out. i moved to san francisco with the stupid idea that because nobody understands me in croton i would finally meet and connect with people just like myself...in this city where all the kooooooky weirdos come together and accept each others flaws and even cherish them...well bullshit, sf is just a giant pile of hipsters and shithead academy students. kids whining because their financial aid check didn't go through so now they can't buy their new iphone and eight ball of coke (god forbid). because i disliked almost every person i met, i spent a lot of time by myself...spending days walking around on the solo, just constantly thinking and thinking and thinking and reading and thinking...it made me grow as a person being that introspective all the time. so san francisco didn't help me as i thought it would, but moving there did some good in the long run. being so miserable somehow made me happier. and now, i'm going to school in less than a month for illustration, i'm gonna be doing the girls t-shirt line for my friend ians t-shirt company, i'm finally working out my legal shit so i don't have the stupid warrant hanging over me, i met an amazing dude who for some unknown reason adores me, and i've realized i have awesome friends who have my back and genuinely care about my welfare and happiness. i have no doubts that 2008 will be just as rad or better.

most awkward thing ever: n.
when you see your ex making out with a girl you used to chill with all the time. not really coz they're making out with a friend but because neither of them will acknowledge your existence and they're too busy fooling around...or whenver you try to chill with your ex your friend drapes themselves all over them.


soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo weird and awkward.

good news everyone (me), awesome key west dude still likes me (god knows why). oh wait, but now i probably can't go back down to see him again. stupendous.

i haven't made one of dem good old angsty posts in awhile...
i was actually pretty content being single. i had almost forgotten how long it had been since i'd been really interested in anybody. i mean, yes, since my last boyfriend i have fooled around with other people but i never had any interest in bringing it any further and i was pretty proud of myself. i was growing as an individual who didn't need anybody but themself to make them happy. i met this guy in key west...gorgeous, interesting, creative, smart...and he actually likes me (or at least did...). i don't know how i managed such a thing. can you believe somebody like that could actually think i was beautful and interesting and blah de blah too? i couldn't. it was pointless to even fall for him seeing as kitties and me were only gonna be don here for a lil while (in fact we're leaving tommorow)...but it was a fun little delusion to think it could last. i then continued to systematically destroy what was there by being a neurotic, needy, paranoid freak. i woul just like to see dis boy one more time before i go and know that he still cares but i guess i managed to fuck it over beyond repair. go me.

ahhhh so sick of driving...we'v been gone for over a week now and i'm getting sick of dis already...
pros: we saw a giant terrifying meteor crater in arizona, saw friends in san diego and alberqurque, pet tigers, wolves and lions (and a baby tiger!) at a wild animal rescue farm, visited our friend keller at his army base for a few hours before he had to go to iraq that night, listened to a ridiculous amount of dragonforce while bugging out on energy drinks, we've become obsessed with metalocalypse...

cons: spent too much money, stayed in a hotel in alabama with blood smeared on the bed and walls, the car got spit on by nazi kids with ss tattoos on their sides, only eating crap food, have become insanely obsessed with metalocalypse, no privacy

i dunno, i guess the pros outweigh the cons

shits weird right now. our landlord evicted us two weeks before the lease ran up basically just so he could keep the huge deposit. fucked up. so i had already bought a plane ticket to go home anyway but now kat and i decided to drive across the country again. thing is we had no money so we ended up selling tons of shit...clothes, movies, kats nintendo ds...we had to be out by today (the fucking douchebag landlord wouldn't even let us stay for thanksgiving) but we're not ready yet. i mean kat and i are ready to go, the cars packed, but our roomate beard and kats boyfriend shane don't have their shit together at all...they didn't even really pack until today which is stupid as hell..and then this kitten we had that our friend christian had given us...well christian decided to take it back coz his girlfriend was giving him shit about it. that girl had met the kitten only like four times and we've had it over a month....spent money on it fed him with a bottle, hadto poop him fer christsake...and now the girl decides she would like a kitty after all...after everybody, especially kat, had grown to attatched to it. fucking bitch. she could just as easily found a new kitten. kats devastated. christ.
i dunno.
i'm kinda weirded out by the idea of coming to croton...i haven't been there in like five months and...i dunno...i dunno if it's going to be awkward or fun...i'm especially weirded out by the idea of seeing devin. i dunno if he's ating somebody else yet and i mean, i don't have feelings for him anymore but you have to agree it'd just be awkward as fuck. whatevs. so it goes.

kitties and i saw a goth kid yesterday who had an umbrella to block himself from the sun...the instant he reached shade, he would put it away. this is pretty awesome because 1. this kid thinks he's so fucking cool but has no idea how utterly lame that is and 2. what is the point of the umbrella? is it a prop coz this douche desperatelly wants to believe he's a vampire or is it actually used to block the sun to keep his complexion a perfect milky white...
in conclusion we're going to dress up as the sun and chase him with a boombox playing 'you are my sunshine' while throwing glitter/confetti/flower petals all around him. you know this kid loves kittens deep down inside.

two things:

1. fleet week. possibly...no...definitely the most obnoxious thing i have ever encountered. jet plans flying too damn close to buildings/the ground/me for my comfort and making horrible, deafening jet engine noises as they woosh overhead. and then the tourists. "ohmygod its a fucking jet jesus christ look look look lets stand in the middle of powell and stare all slackjawed this is fucking rad!". probably the only upside is the one my friend sam pointed out...the only week of th year where any girl can walk into a bar and have a billion sailors buy her drinks. i have yet to take advantage of this.

2. secondly, acid...no more. we got a vial of it and i've done it about three times in a month. this stuff is way too intense even for acid. yet i somehow managed to get myself together enough to go to a job interview the next morning while i was still tripping face and aced the damn thing. somehow i'm more personable when fascinated by the interviewers face moving about all silly-like.

the end.

so after a strange run in with acid last night, i've been rethinking the way i....think.
i'm saying straight up now it wasn't that cliched sweet mind bending epiphany that supposedly happens when you trip face, because mine was neither sweet nor really an epiphany...it was more like "hey okay so you knew things were kinda bad but now you know how REALLY bad it is. lets do sumfin about it". since i've come here i've become increasingly more anti-social, finding it harder to deal with people and stressful situations (i see it as probably because i was shoved into having to deal with so much of both all of a sudden) so i started to find it nice to just space out and kind of fall back on the comfortable familliarity of my own private dialogue and imagination. but as time has gone on and shit has gotten more stressful i relied too much on sinking into the back of my head. now i actually find myself spacing out for 15-20 minute periods (while walking down the street, mind you) and i have no idea what i've actually been doing. i asked kat this morning "am i creepy?" because thats become an increased fear lately...feeling like some sort of disgusting creepy freak who skitters/aimlessly wanders the downtown area...like a hobo w/o the crack addiction and with more expensive clothing. ANYWAY, kat answered yes, sometimes i am creepy...to people who just don't understand that me talking to myself and smiling at nothing and waving my hands around is some kind of normal occurance. awesome?
its really a debate between going home and dealing with this because at least there won't be any extreme stress factors to encourage me to continue what i'm doing, but yet i feel like if i stay i can really work hard and actually be a normal member of society. shit.

was feeling kinda down the past couple of weeks...especially after a weird bad night that fucked with my head...but after doing some super awesome walking around the city, applying for jobs (can you picture me as a hooters girl? me neither but lets pretend otherwise) and getting a date with the dude i've had a huge crush on for awhile now, i think today could be summed up as kinda sorta amazing.